Tie Breaker

Tiebreaker
‘Tis the season to be jolly. Deck the halls with holly and mistletoe, sing “Auld Lang Syne” to your old acquaintances, and roast chestnuts by the open fire while discussing the tiebreaker system for playoff positions in the NFL. ESPN and other sports networks can sometimes devote an hour show to the playoff possibilities. I wanted to explain the NFL system in this article, but it occurred to me that I have no idea what it is.
Recently in an MSC tournament, I was involved in a tiebreaker. Normally in the cashing positions, the prize money is divided equally among the competitors, however in the event that the tie involves the stepladder, tiebreaker rules take effect. I found myself tied with the benevolent Mr. Lindquist for the sixth position in the tournament, and since we had not had a head to head match that day, the second tiebreaker was based on scratch score before match play bonuses. Jim had the edge there so I happily accepted the 7th position. I always respect my elders. Besides, the next tiebreaker level in the Midwest Senior Classic was number of natural teeth in your mouth, and Jim would have had me there also. One of my colleagues suggested we strip down to our shorts, guzzle a beer, and race one lap around the parking lot of the bowling center. The temperature was about zero, and we Norwegians don’t normally indulge in those shenanigans unless it’s at least 10 below, so that was out.
But some other tie breaking possibilities came to mind for future situations:
Who can hold the most filets of lutefisk in one hand. Generally the guy with the longest fingernails would prevail with a total of one.
The best rendition of “New York, New York”, sung in the karaoke bar wearing a Packers number 4 jersey.
I found out this year you can actually break a tie that doesn’t exist by recounting all the votes, as long as there is a lot of arguing, bickering, and litigation to accompany the action.
You could also break a tie by guessing closest to the number of times Nick Punto pops up or bunts foul. It would probably take too long to determine the outcome, but it would at least be settled before the aforementioned recount thing.
Flipping a coin is a bit generic, but always popular. The problem there is in this economy, who has a coin?
But there is a moral to the story. For tournament directors and promoters, have a plan in place to keep everyone happy in case of a tie. It’s not something you want to decide after the tie occurs. And for tournament players, remember what your mother taught you years ago. Always wear clean underwear, in case you’re tied with a fellow Norwegian and a guy from Wisconsin is making the rules.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays !!

Foot in Mouth

I have to say I was not a big Delmon Young fan, but I think he could be a big asset to the Twins offense, meanwhile, Michael Cuddyer is a great person with a great arm, but has only proven that he gets hurt a lot, and sometimes hits better than Nick Punto. Carlos K-mez is in the same boat as Delmon, potential, but not instant stardom. For Gardy to pick his outfield at the end of November is unbelievable, something only an okie would do. What a terrible thing to do to a team. I don't care what you think, Gardy, but you go to the media and tell them that you have great outfielders, you know only three can play at a time, and it's a nice problem to have, blah, blah, blah. Crap, didn't you ever see "Bull Durham"? And where does Jason Kubel fit. Look at the scorebook. Kubel's defense is so so, but even with limited playing time, he was number two on the Twins home run list last year. Don't you think he's earned a few more at bats? Geez

Poor Boy

The earliest years of my life, learning to walk and talk, were spent in a brownstone fourplex, a couple of blocks from Plymouth and Lyndale in North Minneapolis. We didn’t have a sand box, but the cinder pile of spent coal in the back provided a play area for us. Many people of color lived in a neighborhood north of us along Broadway. My mother taught me that they were to be called “gentle people”. These were the days when George Mikan was the tallest player in the NBA, Jackie Robinson and Luke Easter were the only African American players in the major leagues, and American Bowling Congress had not yet opened the membership door to black bowlers.
In the 50s, my family moved to Hopkins, and growing into the exploratory age, my friends and I located the two dumps in the city. There was the Red Owl dump, full of plywood and pallet wood great for making treehouses. The Hopkins city dump had a myriad of treasures. We once got an old bicycle frame, pedals and sprockets, a couple of wheels with only a few spokes missing, and with a couple of bucks at the hardware store we added tires, a few bolts, and a lot of oil and rebuilt a bike. Add a clothespin and a Bill Tuttle baseball card and we could make it sound like a motor bike.
A little older and us poor but honest white kids found we could earn money picking raspberries or carrying golf bags at the local country club. Once a couple of black kids came to the caddy shack but they were turned away. The caddy master said he already had enough caddies, but we knew it was a lie. We knew the real reason, but we were 13 and our opinion didn’t matter. In 1967, my old Plymouth and Lyndale neighborhood was ravaged by protests and rioting. I didn’t agree with the methods, but I did sympathize with the cause. Later I was drafted and spent several months at the Army Hospital in Fort Campbell, Kentucky, about 40 miles north of Nashville, TN. I had many new friends of all races and creeds who each were serving our country as best they could. It was there in April of 1968 that I came to really understand the ugliness of racism. Many of my aforementioned black friends wouldn’t speak to me for weeks after that dark April 4th day in Tennessee.
Some wounds take time to heal, and I’m not sure if this one ever totally will. But as we have upgraded ourselves from the city dump in Hopkins, to the high speed internet of today, we find ourselves forty years later welcoming Barack Obama and his message of change, ironically to the “White” house. As for me, I never would have dreamed in my lifetime that the United States would elect a president with a bowling average of 37. God Bless America

What would Paul Simon Say

The problem is all inside your head he said to me,
The answer is easy if you take it logically,
How can I help you in your struggle to be free,
There must be 50 ways to lose a ball game.

Error on the pick, Nick,
Error on the throw, Joe,
Hit it off the roof, off Boof,
Just listen to me.

No need to rush, Busch
Make Raul hit it foul, Ya'll
50 ways to lose a ball game

It's getting Uggla out there

I hope the Twins don't think it's "all better" just because they're coming home. They really need to raise the level of play if they expect to play in October. This is not the team of destiny as in 1987. Simple defensive gaffs have lost more than a few games. The hits are coming with bases empty. Relief pitching is a joke. Time for Gardy to end his love affair with Punto and Everyday Eddie. I wonder how much Texas would charge us to take him back. Bill Smith, your first year has given us Craig Monroe, Mike Lamb, Brendan Harris, Adam Everett, and Carlos K-mez.

Span, Buscher, Perkins, Slowey, Mauer, Morneau, and Kubel came through our system. Does that tell you anything? Learn from the mistakes. Good luck in September.

Don't blame the pitchers

Welcome back Everyday Eddie, but if the Twins intend to contend, they better wake the bats up. Even if you had Cy Young and the Big Train out there, you will not win games by scoring one run against a guy who only got his starting job back because someone else went on the DL. Let's go you guys. Seattle and Oakland were not that good before they traded away players to contenders. Hit the ball, Catch the ball, Throw the ball.

Bowling started Monday with a 147. Ended with a 268. Go figure.

Pennant Race

They used to call it a pennant race. Now I guess it's just a race for the division championship. Pretty long hall of 162 games, just to get to play 4 or 7 more. But I do remember the 1987 Twins who could not win on the road to save their lives, until they went to Detroit in October. But then they could not win a Series game on the road either, but they didn't need to do so. It seems as though every team has trouble now with middle relief. While Bert degrades the starters for only pitching 6 or 7 innings every 5 days, we hear about how the bullpen is "overworked" when they are asked to pitch one inning maybe 4 days a week. I don't know. But it seems that if the relief pitchers were better, they would be starters. (Save for the closers). But Good Luck Twins, you're going to need it. A lot of road games on the schedule for the next month. I think they need to be plus .500 to stay in the race.

Duh!

Maybe I am too critical, but we have had major league baseball in the Twin Cities for nearly 50 years. When are we going to get major league announcers. For Crying out loud. I could care less about what's in sushi, who eats crickets or any of that other tripe. How in the world can Bert Blyleven get on the stump and knock everything about the way starting pitchers are used, when he sits in the booth under the guise of a commentator, and he doesn't know an adverb from an adjective. I wosh he would go off in a corner somewhere with Sid Hartman and have a sushi eating contest to see who can mangle the English language more. Gimme a break. Where is Ted Robinson when we need him?

Otherwise, a pretty good game today. Denard Span is a player! But the bullpen needs to shore it up. Crain was lucky today, and I think he's admit it. A lot of well struck outs off the bats of the Mariners. KC is no longer a pushover. Be on your toes down there in the heat.

Throw Strikes

Last night's game has to be the ugliest of the year. Hey Bullpen. It's no secret. The object of pitching in baseball is the same as in bowling. THROW STRIKES! It's so basic, even a cave man can do it. A major league pitcher should be able to throw a strike at ANY time. When a major league hitter, even a low caliber player called up from triple A is looking at a 2-0 or 3-1 count, his batting average generally is increased by over 100 points. THROW STRIKES! Why is that so difficult.

Pull the Trigger

Come on Mr. Bill Smith. I've seen enough. It's time to trade Leave 'em on Hernandez. He is not leaving 'em on any more, and Francisco Liriano is putting up zeros in Rochester. This is a pennant race and we cannot afford to throw away every fifth game. 24 hours until the waiver deadline. Give em up, get a prospect or two, and let's see a fifth starter in the rotation. Thank you. And while we're polishing the roster, haw about the announcing. It sure would be nice to have someone in the booth that can pronounce Chicago, Morneau, and Denard correctly. Don't we have someone in Rochester who could talk?

Dog Days

In the dog days of summer, Denard Span continues to impress. Morneau and Mauer are solid, and Francisco Liriano are waiting in the wings. Whatever happens, I hope Bill Smith takes a lesson this year. We don't need to go shopping for players. Lamb and Everett were disappointments. Despite 10 wins, Leave em on Hernandez ERA is the highest on the staff, save for Boof, so the place to shop for players is Rochester, not Tampa or New York.

The first bowling tournament of the season is August 23 for me. Wow. I need to start training quickly. Happy Birthday to my sister Connie on Tuesday. She finally reached the speed limit.

Damn Yankees

The time has come to face the facts. The Twins cannot win in Yankee Stadium, never could, never would. The three times they made the World Series, the Yanks were out of the picture. Taking the field in the old Yankee Stadium for the final time, (unless there's a playoff), the Twins looked like the Billings Mustangs or St. Paul Saints. But, they bounced back after getting drubbed at US Cellular, again after getting drubbed at Fenway, so now it's on to Jacobs Field. Can they bounce back again? Leave it up to Leavem on Hernandez.

All Stars

The three All Stars selected from the Minnesota Twins are certainly deserving . I can't bear to think where the Twins would be without Justin and the two Joes. I also give a tip of my Twins cap to Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey, Nick Blackburn, and Glen Perkins for more good outings than bad. Not sure about leave 'em on Hernandez. He seems to get hit a lot, but you can't argue with 9 wins by the All Star Break.

We need to find a permanent place on the major league roster for Denard Span, and maybe some remedial training for Blyleven to learn how to pronounce his name. And since I brought it up, Why do Blyleven, Gladden, and Gordon refuse to pronounce Justin Morneau's surname properly. He asked nicely a couple of year's ago. These so called journalists couldn't call a Little League game in my opinion. Damn, I miss Herb Carneal. And Bert, go find a circle somewhere and drop a line. We have Smalley and Coomer waiting in the wings, and both of them are more qualified, and that's not saying much.

Last word, the other day Denard Span nearly killed Brendan Harris with a line drive. Seems he may have missed a squeeze sign. Gardy or Ullger -- this is on you. The squeeze play sign requires an answer sign by the batter. Everyone has to be on board to pull it off. I don't know what went wrong, but you could have gotten someone seriously injured, or even killed.

Gomez and Young - every time you screw up I hear about how you are only 22 and will learn. In the old days, 22 year olds not named Kaline learned in the minor leagues. Please elevate your game. You are playing in front of people who paid $20-$35 to watch. They come to watch you play, not to learn.

See What I Mean??

Congratulations to our Twins for a 7 game streak and 9 of the last 10. I've been a Kevin Slowey fan since he was mowing them down in Fort Myers several years ago, and he has not disappointed. A great outing last night, besting Jake Peavy, one of the best in the NL. And for that great job, Kevin got an attaboy, and a NO DECISION! Dennys Reyes, who threw one pitch and retired one batter was credited with the "W". This is crap and everyone should know it. Why bother to keep a W-L stat for pitchers when there are so many flaws in the system. Pitchers are credited for wins or losses based on how many runs the offense scores, and which inning they are scored. Pitchers have no control of this function of the game in the American League, and very little in the National League. So who should care about wins and losses as individual stats. I'll stick to the standings. Congrats to Brendan Harris and Brian Buscher also. Joe, Justin, and Jason need help some days, and last night was one of those days.

Vote for Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, and Go Twins!!

Power Outage

Hilary Clinton is out, Al Franken is in, and the White Sox lead the AL Central by virtue of their pitching. The so called weak hitting Sox have crushed Twins pitching the last few days, as Gardy tries to decide which pitcher to let go from the current 13 man staff. It's not that they are all too good, but that they are so bad it's hard to decide on the worst. But in baseball, every day is a new day. Delmon Young? Home Run? Maybe that's a sign of good things to come.

What I cannot fail to notice, is the first time we were in Chicago (That's Chicago, Bert, not Sheecago), was the sparce crowd decked out in parkas, mittens, blankets, etc. This time they have upgraded to umbrellas and plastic rainsuits. If the Twins had an outdoor stadium this year, I imagine they might have 10 home games in this far, and the attendance would be worse than it already is. Would you pay $50.00 for a tank of gas to drive down from Duluth to sit in a 40 degree rain shower to watch America's pasttime? I wouldn't, even if the team were better. Face it, that's what we have to look forward to in 2010. Brrrr

No Justice

David Justice has left the scene after a successful career with the Braves and Yankees. There is also a matter lacking justice in the way "W"s are awarded for pitchers. Take the case of Nick Blackburn of the Twins. Last week in Kansas City, Nick breezed through 8 1/3 innings of shutout ball, put two men on in the ninth, and was removed. The Twins lost their 3-0 lead on a fluke inside the park home run by Mark Teahan but scratched out a tenth inning win. So Jesse (One good inning) Crain picked up the W and Nick received a no decision. Yesterday, Nick was on the mound again and held the Yankees to one run while cruising through the fifth inning with a 4-1 lead. He took a line drive off his face and was removed from the game. Brian Bass pitched well to 5 batters and the Twins held on to win 5-1. So Bass picked up a W, and once again Blackburn is credited with a No Decision because a starter must go 5 innings to be credited with a win. This is crap. Official scorers are not turnips, and should be given latitude to give credit where credit is due. To make the mountain higher, Blackburn was also involved in a 1-0 loss earlier this year. He could be 8-3 right now with any justice.

Boof got a no decision the other night after allowing 5 runs, 2 earned, and was not even on the mound when an earned run scored!

Want a better example? Yesterday, future Rookie of the year Tim Lincecum of the hapless Bay area Giants threw 7 innings of one run baseball against the equally hapless Padres. A couple of relievers got one, two, or three outs and the 1-1 game went to extra innings. Hinshaw came in to the tenth and promptly allowed the Padres 2 runs to take a 3-1 lead. Trevor Hoffman was equally ineffective as the Giants scored three in their half to win the game. Winning pitcher? Hinshaw, loser- Hoffman. No Decision - Lincecum. Geez.

If MLB and their fans are going to put so much glory on a pitcher's W-L record, and in many cases a player's future salary can depend on this statistic, then maybe it should mean something.

We need a Baker

John Butcher used to pitch for the Twins. Anyone can be a Candlestick maker. But really, we need Scott Baker to get healthy and get back in the pitching tub soon. I'm afraid Boof is on the way to the bull pen if he's lucky, Rochester if he's less than lucky. But after watching the 19-3 drubbing tonight by the Detroit (7 games under .500) Tigers, it's obvious that there is a big hole in the pitching rotation. Sorry Boof, I know you worked hard in the off season; I know you have talent and you're trying, maybe too hard, but you need to work it out. Maybe if you gained a little weight?

When Will it End?

Missed pop ups, 12 opportunities to drive in a run with only one success, how many games do the Twins expect to win while scoring 2 runs or less. I noticed Johan Santana allowed 4 runs to the Yankees in 7+ innings and chalked up a 7-4 win. If he was still in a Twins uniform he'd have last 4-2. We wasted another good outing by Leave 'em on Hernandez, and a decent game tossed by Kevin Slowey. Kevin is 0-4 now. When he came up from the minors he was touted as the next Brad Radke, and he hasn't disappointed. Keep the ball around the plate, don't walk anybody, limit the mistakes to two or three per game, which are then hit about 400 feet by the opponents, and lose 4-2. These "New Look Twins" do not look new at all. They look like the 1962 Mets, (or the Bad News Bears). Only Mauer and Morneau have shown any consistency at the plate. With Denard Span hitting .375 at Rochester, it's time for our outfield to step up now.

Not Impressed

Even though the Twins took 3 of 4 from Boston, I continue to be underwhelmed by the quality of Major League Baseball. These are not the Twins of the past. In a short week I have seen the center fielder air mail a throw to second base all the way to the dugout, while the pitcher stood and watched. I saw the left fielder airmail the cutoff man with the bases loaded to allow all runners to advance. A pitcher catch a runner between second and third, but rather than running at him to start a rundown play, he chose to toss the ball toward the bullpen, allowing the runner to score what turned out to be the winning run. I saw a 14 year veteran hit a liner to second with a man on first. When the second baseman mishandled it, he threw to second for one, and the relay to first outed the batter who was standing somewhere near the dugout with his bat still in his hands.

What gives? Aren't you being paid enough to think?? I've seen Little League games played better. Sure, the raw talent is a little short, but at least the game is played like it should be. If anyone thinks I am going to pay 30 dollars a ticket to watch this brand of baseball, think again. New stadium priority my foot!! Keep playing like this and there will be lots of tickets available and resellers will be standing in front of the ballpark like they did in 1982. Buying tickets for $2.00 and selling for $4.00.

Holy Cow

"I thought it was foul". Nearly every Little League coach has heard those words in response to "Why didn't you run?" But I would think that by the time you get to the major leagues you would have "Run everything out" imbedded into your brain permanently. Especially a player such as Nick Punto, who makes up for some shortcomings by playing great defense and heads up baseball. But Wednesday night on a sacrifice bunt attempt, Nick hit into an ill fated double play when he chose to argue an umpires call rather than run to first. Sigh. Nick made up for it later in the game with 5 RBIs. I think he knew he screwed up and was determined to make up for it. All's well that ends well, and I think Nick will be running everything out from now on. Along came Thursday afternoon, and with runners on first and second and a 3-1 count, Paul Konerko took a half swing at a pitch out of the strike zone, and calmly dropped his bat and began to remove his shin guard as the base runners jogged to advance one base. Wait a minute - Did he swing? Yup, said the first base ump, the count is 3-2. So Matt Guerrier futily ran to tag the runners who had "stolen" their respective bases. The umpires really did not call the play very well, Ozzie Guillen had a good laugh, and Gardenhire got tossed from the game. Matt got out of the inning with no damage, and congratulations to Jim Thome for stealing his second base of this decade. But C'mon guys. You are paid well for your tremendous talent, but talent from the neck down is only as good as what you can add from the neck up.

Take me out TTBG

I visited the Metrodome today. Wanted to get the bobblehead so I had to get there early and watch nothing for an hour and a half before the game started. Then the Tigers proceded to put up 4 runs before recording an out. Six runs in all in the first inning! As Harry Carey would say - "Holy Cow!!". The Twins went down 9 times in a row against Kenny Rogers. I can't remember wanting to leave a game in the third inning before today. But we hung in there. Hard to believe Boof tossed 45 pitches in the first, and then another 45 over the next five innings. Good for him. He didn't throw in the towel. The Twins picked away and ended up winning 7-6. Unbelievable! If they do make something of the season, Today's game will be labeled as memorable I'm sure.

Boof, Aloof on the Hoof

Congratulations to Boof Bonser for a fine outing and the Twins for producing an enjoyable game to watch. The fact that Bert Blyleven chose to take a day off Tuesday made it even more enjoyable. Boof will never win a Cy Young Award, but he takes the ball every five days, does his best, and will be a workhorse on the Twins staff. After the fiasco in Texas, maybe there is a glimmer of hope. Winning one of a three game series on the road is not terrible, but doing it in Texas certainly is. Even lowly Kansas City wiped the Rangers nose yesterday.

The Twins being shut out by Cliff Lee a couple of weeks ago is no big deal. Being shut out by Vincente Padilla is cause for extra batting practice. A lot of it.

Last word: Once again Dick bungled the AFLAC trivia question. The longest hitting streak by a catcher. He guessed Sandy Alomar. But if you pay attention to your Topps baseball cards - of course there was a special card in 1988 lauding Benito Santiago's 34 game hitting streak for the Padres. I'm not sure if Alomar had 34 hits in a year.

Red Wings, Here I Come

Looks like my hope for a winning season will be on his way to Rochester soon. I hope Mr. Liriano can get his rhythm back and help us. But, I'm looking forward to Kevin Slowey returning to his spot in the rotation. I like guys who don't walk people. Wednesday, the first two runs that Oakland scored were runners who got a free pass. Now we go to Texas, losers of their last 7 games. These are games we have to win to remain in the hunt. Maybe with Cuddyer back we could score a few runs.

On the major league front, how about that Chase Utley - 10 dingers, a bunch of RBIs, and in the top ten for average. Could he be the next triple crown winner? We haven't had one since 1967, and Yaz was only tied with Killebrew for the home run title. And Chipper Jones, 40 years old and hitting double his weight! You can bet they are mostly solid hits, at that age you don't get a lot of leg 'em outs.

Get it Right

I have not been a fan of Twins broadcast teams for years. Of course I liked Herb Carneal, I think everybody did. But I'll only listen to John Gord-AND when absolutely necessary. The TV crew is equally poor. You have Bert, who describes every hit as "the pitcher got the pitch up, the hitter dropped the barrel of the bat, (formerly dropped the head of the bat), and it was a good piece of hitting."

But tonight they went the extra mile. The trivia question was, "Who threw the pitch that Mickey Mantle hit 565 feet out of Griffith Stadium in 1956?" I knew it was Chuck Stobbs, not because I remember the hit, but the homer was featured and described on a 1961 Topps Baseball Card. Dick suggested it was the pitcher who started the Twins first game at Met Stadium, and went on to tell an urban legend about Pedro Ramos. What I guess he forgot was that Senor Ramos started opening day at Yankee Stadium, shutting out the Bronx Bombers
6-0. Pete Whisenant was the Met Stadium home opener starter.

But that's not the half of it. Later in the telecast, after a near wild pitch, Dick related it to a game a couple of weeks ago, when a ball got away from Mike Redmond, allowing the only run of the game to score, on a pitch thrown by Scott Baker. C'mon Dick - - it's only been a couple of weeks, and if you can't remember that frustrating game for Nick Blackburn, you should go sit by Sid in the press box.

If they don't win it's a shame

Okay! Working on two weeks into the season and the Twins are looking good. I get a kick out of the scribes and their worthless predictions. How the Twins' rotation was questionable, but they traded some pitching to get hitting. But now I watch as the starters keep us in every game while the hitters seem to have holes in their bats. Save for Morneau and Kubel, we have a power outage. Not like the days of Zoilo, Tony, and the Brew. But a win is a win, whether by home run or squeeze bunt. We need Francisco to hang some zeros tomorrow, then on to Detroit and kick the Tigers while they're down.

Could be a long season

Baseball purists are said to worship 1-0 games. I guess I'm no purist, because I don't like them, even if the Twins win. I actually once played in a slow pitch softball game that went the full 7 innings and ended 1-0. But tonights Twins game was the worst. It's bad enough to waste Nick Blackburn's performance, but to have the only run score on an infield hit, sacrifice bunt, groundout, and a wild pitch wrenches my stomach. Meanwhile, our team failed to get a bunt in fair territory on at least a half dozen tries. Evidently Twins Territory is outside the baselines. We only had about 6 opportunities to hit into double plays and were successful 4 times. Our double play average was .667 while the batting averages dropped to under my bowling average. I know it's easier said than done, but let's get it done before the season is lost. Not even Ted Williams could pull the low outside pitch, so stop trying. There is area in the opposite field. Instead of batting practice 70 mph meat, they need to get the Juggs machine out there and crank it up to 96. The hitters are all late on 89 mph fastballs. And why is it so difficult to bunt. Stop trying to walk the line with the ball and get one somewhere fair, especially on a sacrifice. Since no one had gotten an outfielder to back up for three games, it's time to brush up on you small ball.

Double Whitewash

About the only thing I remember about the Minneapolis Millers is Orlando Cepeda at first base, Minneapolis shunning the Giants when they chose to move to San Francisco, and a young guy named Carl Yastrezmski patrolling left field in 1959-60. But when Calvin Griffith moved the Senators to Minnesota in 1961, it opened a whole new world for me. Of course I was in school for most of the early season day games, but in May of 1961, my Mom got tickets for us to see my first major league game in person, a Sunday double header against the Cleveland Indians. We had just settled into our seats when Jim Landis led off with a shot off Pedro Ramos. A solid single to center that went right past Lenny Green and all the way to the wall. By the time the Twins ran it down, Landis had circled the bases, 1-0. There were a lot more hits that inning. In fact, I can't remember if Pedro even retired a Cleveland hitter. I do remember Cookie Lavagetto removing Ramos from the game in the first inning with the score about 7-0. The thing I remember most clearly is when Pedro walked toward the dugout, he was so disgusted he drop kicked his glove. I'm sure he meant to kick it into the dugout, but instead made a perfect field goal into the box seats at Met Stadium. The Twins went on to lose, 9-0 in the first game, but no problem, another nine innings would be starting soon. I don't remember too much about the second game. Only that our pitcher once again got in trouble in the early innings. Manager Lavagetto went to replace him in the first or second inning and brought in...... None other than Pedro Ramos!! And the amazing thing was that Pedro threw 7 or 8 scoreless innings against the same Cleveland team that shelled him in game one. But the damage had been done, and the Twins dropped the second game, I think by a score of 2-0. Not much to talk about in the Twins favor that Sunday, but it was my first major league game and I'll never forget it. Maybe if I had a Homer Hanky back then, things would have been different.

Spring Fever

I refused to get my Spring Fever shot this year so now I have contracted the malady. Even though we're still seeing single digit readings on the Minnesota weather map, it won't be long. There's only about 8 weeks of bowling left, and I tune in to KSTP and listen to John Gordon butcher the Twins broadcast from Florida. In the blogosphere, Pat Neshek has the number 1 blog in all of major league baseball. Not only that, but he's a great guy, and from Brooklyn Park, Minnesota! He reads his mail, returns autographs, collects baseball cards, and really enjoys his fans. I hope his attitude lasts and he won't get burned out. Joe Mauer doesn't answer mail, snd his website has not been updated for months. Also looks like he's more interested in selling his swing-o-contraption than anything else. Justin Morneau has a website run by an outside agent, and it has stuff for sale also. Season opener this year on March 31. I hope Torii Hunter strikes out a few times and drops a can o' corn. I hope Bert Blyleven puts his foot in his mouth again and gets suspended for a few months. I hope John Gordon expands his vocabulary a bit so he doesn't have to say "and" 150 times per inning. I wish the Twins would try to sell the team this year, and lay off the "new stadium priority" crap. They make it sound like if you don't buy tickets this year, they won't let you in to the new ballpark. There's a new bowling center in Blaine, and an almost new, completely refurbished center in Monticello, and not once was I ever approached about getting new bowling center priority.

Oscar

I had a great uncle named Oscar, and one of my favorite roles was Oscar Madison, played by Jack Klugman in "The Odd Couple". But the Academy Awards leave something to be desired. I have never had much faith in the Oscars ever since "Bull Durham" did not receive best picture. This year didn't change my views. Jon Stewart's opening monologue had me believing that the writers were still on strike. For sure, all the hairdressers in Beverly Hills must have gone on strike. It appeared that most of the fashion stylists had their clients slip into their $10,000 original gowns, and then roll around on the floor for awhile until their hair looked like they just got out of bed. It gets pretty bad when the Oscar for best hair style goes to George Clooney or Regis Philben.
And why put us through all of those awards for set decoration, art direction, visual effects, costume, makeup, etc, when all anyone is interested in are Best Picture, Actor, Actress, and maybe director. You don't suppose it could be so that they can stretch the show out three or four hours and sell advertising. Or maybe the display ad in the paper can read "Winner of 7 Academy Awards!!" I have an idea. Why not give the Oscars away as the halftime show at the Super Bowl. Then we could get it all in one Sunday, and save the other Sunday for bowling.

Boomers

Recently at one of my bowling leagues, the subject of Baby Boomers came up, and one of my teammates claimed Boomership, having been born in 1965!! These “wannabe-me too-come lately” attitudes border on fraud, so it behooves me to set forth standards of Baby Boomerdom. If you cannot remember, you are probably too old to be a baby boomer.
If you remember exactly what you were doing when you heard John Kennedy had been shot, you might be a baby boomer.
If the first game you ever bowled was when the pins were set by a guy with a Brylcreem ducktail, and wearing a dirty t-shirt with one sleeve rolled up over a pack of cigarettes, you might be a baby boomer.
If you were ever at a Minneapolis Millers vs. St. Paul Saints baseball game, you might be a baby boomer.
If you are counting the days until you can draw social security, rather than years, you might be a baby boomer.
If you were ever at a Minneapolis Millers vs. St. Paul Saints hockey game, you might be a baby boomer.
If you ever kept score in open bowling with a big sheet of paper and a jumbo pencil with rounded lead, you might be a baby boomer.
If you watched Butch Levy wrestle Vern Gagne for the heavyweight Championship of the world, you might be a baby boomer.
If you kept the TV on after the match to watch “Championship Bowling” from the West 7th Street Rec, you might be a baby boomer.
If your first grade class was in a janitor’s room, cafeteria, church basement, or somewhere other than a classroom, you might be a baby boomer.
If you ever saw the Minneapolis Lakers play at the Minneapolis Auditorium, you might be a baby boomer.
If “Sputnik” was the first Russian word you learned, you might be a baby boomer.
If you watched the Gophers play Washington in the Rose Bowl, you might be a baby boomer.
If you turned on your black and white TV, and had a choice between Channel 4 and Channel 5, you might be a baby boomer.
If you bowled your first game with a house ball, and you had a choice of black, black, or black with speckles, you might be a baby boomer.
If you went to the penny arcade at the State Fair, and you could actually get something for a penny, you might be a baby boomer.
Part II
If you think the Minneapolis Skippers had something to do with the Aquatennial you are NOT a baby boomer.
If you thought the Beatles’ first album was “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”, you are not a baby boomer.
If your first car did not have fins, you are not a baby boomer.
If your first date, after securing your first car, was not a drive-in movie, you are not a baby boomer.
If the coin left under your pillow by the tooth fairy was not 90% silver, you are not a baby boomer.
If the tooth fairy left you folding money, you are definitely not a baby boomer.
If you did not qualify as a boomer, don’t feel bad. Go out and get a Jeff Foxworthy CD. You might be a redneck.

Casey on the Lanes

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Mudville five that day,
They found themselves down fifty with just one frame left to play.
When Thayer doubled in the tenth, the team let out a cheer
And Casey, waiting for his turn, ordered up a beer
But Heywood from the Joe’s Bar team answered with a double
Observers moved to their seats’ edge ‘cause Mudville was in trouble.
Then Gardy tripped a four pin, and Herbie did the same
And when the dust had settled it was just a nine pin game!
The Joe’s Bar team hung in there but their lead had slipped away,
And they could feel momentum swinging Mudville’s way.
When Joe Bob rung a ten pin, the fans let out a shout
The Muds could claim the season if Casey could strike out.
A silence hovered on the folks as Casey took his place
A bead of sweat was forming o’er the smile on Casey’s face.
Casey’s slide was graceful with firmness on the grip
He sent it to the one board and it gave the pins a rip.
Ten in the pit for Casey but that wasn’t half the chore,
The crowd looked on in earnest and pleaded for two more.
And now the resin covered sphere came blistering down the lane,
Another Strike! And Joe’s Bar’s team was grimacing in pain.
It all came down to one last shot, the smile left Casey’s face
The tinkle of a pin drop could be heard within the place.
And now Big Casey grips the ball, and now he lets it roll,
And now the pins are splattered by the force of Casey’s blow.
Somewhere birds are singing and the sun is shining bright,
And somewhere bells are ringing to welcome fall of night.
Somewhere there is darkness and somewhere lamps are lit,
But there is no joy in Mudville, Mighty Casey left a split.

Teach your Children

We spend the early parts of our lives wishing we were older so we could do big people things, and then when we get there we spend our middle years protecting our kids from those same bad things that we wanted to do. Then as seniors, we wish we were younger so we could do all those things that we planned in our youth but forgot when it was time.
The kids get involved in junior bowling, and we spend a lot of time preaching about how it is just for fun, no pressure to win, just competition and good sportsmanship. Then there are the junior tournaments. No cash prizes, no pressure, just scholarships that are worth more than I paid for my house. Eventually they grow up and join the Friday night Fred Flintstone league at the local center. You know the one where they have a fall meeting where everyone who shows up complains about last year, complains about the rules, complains about the food at last years banquet, complains about the team that always shows up late, makes new rules to deal with all this, and then nothing changes. All this for the privilege to bowl 32 weeks and try to win $200 instead of $150.
I wonder how many of these folks played kid hockey. When I was a kid, we had a stick, a puck, and a couple of “Life” magazines secured around our shins with the wide red rubber bands that came off stalks of celery. Not any more. Now it’s about $1700.00 worth of helmet, mouth guard, elbow pads, knee pads, shoulder pads, skates, breezers, sweaters, ice time, and don’t forget the little plastic thing that protects future family jewels. And that’s just for the six year old mites. It gets more intense as you move through the system. Now here you have a meeting in the fall where no one complains. Everyone sits around with idealistic views of the future, where everyone plays great, all the teams win, and all the kids end up playing for Universities like Minnesota and Wisconsin. The complaining starts about two minutes into the first game. “How come that slug gets more ice time than my kid?”. “Don’t we have someone else that can play goalie?”. “Is that big kid only 6 years old? If he crosschecks my little Billy one more time, I’m going over and smashmouth that coach back to Medicine Hat, and my wife is going over to big kids Mom and rip off her fake eyelashes and smear mascara all over her green Edina cashmere sweater. ($249.95 at the Galleria).”
So what’s the point? In the words of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, “Teach your children well, their father’s hell, will slowly go by”.
Plan ahead. While there are a few adult hockey leagues in the Twin Cities, there are hundreds of bowling leagues. And bowling lasts for life. There’s a fellow in one of my leagues that is a spry 93 years of age.
I’ll bet there’s no one over 80 playing hockey.

Zoilo, Tony, and the Brew

Years ago I was caught up in the song "Willie, Mickey, and the Duke", aka "Talkin' Baseball", written and recorded by Terry Cashman. I thought it might be clever to write a Twins parody to the song. Joe Souchery, then of the Star Tribune and author of "Once there was a Ballpark", got wind of my song, gave me a special number to his Sportstalk show on KSTP, and I called in and sang it on the radio show. Rob Leer of KSTP news heard it and invited me to sing it on the news broadcast in August 1981. There was a baseball strike on at the time, so I guess the sports desk was a little slow. I am sharing the lyrics here:

Zoilo, Tony, and the Brew
(sung to the tune of Talkin' Baseball)

The Millers had Galen Cisco, The Giants moved to Frisco,
And watching minors wasn't too much fun.
The Majors were a dream, The Met needed a team
Then Calvin moved the Senators from Washington.

Talkin' Baseball
Bertoia, Bonokowski
Talkin' Baseball
Mincher, Perranoski
The Mudcat, the Kitty, and Old Blue
They knew them from Duluth to Waterloo,
Especially Zoilo, Tony, and the Brew.

And then came the Series, The fans were delirious,
To watch their hometown boys play in the fall
Jim Grant was at his best, The Twins had met the test
'Til Sandy blitzed them down with his fastball

Talkin' Baseball
Bertoia, Bonokoski
Talkin' Baseball
Mincher, Perranoski
The Mudcat, the Kitty, and Old Blue
They knew them from Duluth to Waterloo,
Especially Zoilo, Tony, and the Brew.

Now my old friend Brandy, he loved to watch the Killer Clout 'em out,
And my pals from the alley, would go to see Versalles,
And me, I always loved Tony O. -- Where did they go?

The fans now are bored, with Jackson and Ward,
And Calvin, and Twinkie, and the boys.
With Adams and the Koos, they always seem to lose,
The crack of the bat at the Met is just a lot of noise.

Talkin' Baseball
Roy Smalley and Castino
Talkin' Baseball
They ought to go get Dino
Sluggers, my gosh they need a few
Goodwin and Butch will never do
They're not like Zoilo, Tony and the Brew.

That's the original. The reference to Dino was Cicerelli who was tearing up the NHL with the North Stars at the time. In 1982, I added the following verse:

The fans in the first deck are now cheering Hrbek
Since Calvin traded half the team away
They've got a brand new home, it's downtown in the Dome,
In spite of rain or snow there'll be a game today.

Talkin' Baseball
Eight dollars gets you in
Talkin' Baseball,
Go out and see them win
Though Gary, Kent, and Tom will park a few,
There'll never be another Rod Carew,
They're not like Zoilo, Tony and the Brew.

So, that was 26 years ago. If I ever write a new verse, or expand the song, you can believe Kirby and two World Series Championships will find their way into it.

Bats and Balls

Professional baseball players are sometimes superstitious, fussy, and even arrogant at times, but when you are paid enormous sums of money to excel in a game, we mere mortals need to expect and accept the quirks of personalities. We all remember Serrano of “Major League”, using shortstop Dohrn’s golf head covers as “hats for bats”, and sacrificing a chicken (from KFC) to Jobu so he could get a hit.
In real life, there are a number of rituals and specifications. Travis Hafner of the Cleveland Indians bonks his head with a new bat and listens to the sound. I hope it isn’t distorted by ringing in his ears. Justin Morneau weighs his supply, to find only the ones that are exactly 32 ounces. Ted Williams used to travel to the Louisville Slugger factory to pick out which tree he wanted made into bats. Also, when a bat is pretty good, but not perfect, the players will rub it with the bone of a cow. I wonder why it has to be cow. Wouldn’t a walrus tusk do the job? How about the bone of a dog. There are a few in my neighborhood that I would volunteer for the task.
Personally, I think bats should have names. Model C341 just doesn’t do it for me. How about a plum scented “Big Fly Agent”. Maybe a “Tater Zone”. Michael Cuddyer could use a “Shock and Awe”, and when he connects; could give it an awesome flip before rounding the bases. I expect Alexis Casilla and Nick Punto use an old Piranha when they bowl, I’m not sure of their bat choice.
Whether it’s striking out in baseball, or failing to strike in bowling, it seems we are all quick to blame the equipment. It couldn’t possibly be that we failed to execute. There are so many different bowling balls on the market these days. Many different ways to drill them also. And each one could be a little different out of the box. But in spite of what or how many bowling spheres you have in the bag, you still have to roll them with your arm, hand, and wrist. Some people change balls at the drop of a unit of oil. But if you’re not blessed with a huge arsenal, there are a number of methods to get Ol’ Betsy to knock em all down. Move on the approach, move your target, change speeds, change your hand position at release, and when all else fails, make sure to pick up those pesky spares. Then you’ll see that average rise.
I’m closing for now. I have to dig a few bowling balls out of my garage, bounce them off my head to see how they sound, and decide if they are gamers.

Super What?
Each year, around the time that Puxatawny Phil is searching for his shadow, and we are left wondering why those six weeks left of winter are the longest weeks of the year, a hundred million Americans or more huddle in front of the television set for the annual super spectacle. Many of those care about the game, (most of them having placed a wager), but an equal number just want to check out the new TV ads, imbibe with friends, or watch the halftime show in hopes of another wardrobe malfunction.
Since the NFL has blatantly stolen the name of “Bowl” for their winter spectacular, (think about it. They claim the name comes from the New Year’s Day college rank stadiums, but those stadiums are ovals at best, some are shaped like horseshoes), if the PBA ever wishes to reach this level of attention, they need to come up with the “Super Kegle”. I’m thinking it could start with 64 of the best players in the world, and those players would be seeded into a large bracket consisting of four regions. The bracket pairings could then be posted in the daily newspapers and 32,000 web sites with associated contests to pick the winners. The conversation at the watercooler at work would go something like: “Who did you pick in the Bohn III vs. Williams Jr. match.” Or “Do you have Couch in the Sweet 16?”. “Can you believe Rash knocked out Weber?”, “I never pick those upsets.”
Commercials could include Charles Barkley giving golf swing lessons for Callaway. Natalie Gulbis showing Ben Rothesberger how to ride a Harley-Davidson hog. And David Spade interviewing various Twins players for a Capital One competitor: Joe Nothan, Pat Noshek, Nick Puntno, and Francisco Liriano, all get jobs, and Justin Morneau is appointed supervisor. The last guy is kicked out and goes to work for Capital One, Michael Cuddyeah.
The Final Four of the Super Kegle would of course feature the four survivors from the regional brackets. Because of the huge fan interest, the show has to be moved from the National Bowling Stadium to the huge Metrobowl in Minneapolis. This domed facility was converted when the Twins moved to their new home by the garbage recycling dump, and the Vikings moved to their floating stadium on Lake Minnetonka. The matches are converted to three game sets, so they can fill five hours, and stop after the fifth frame of the middle game for the half time show. This year’s show features the Dixie Chicks, who were canceled from their originally scheduled appearance at the Republican National Convention. The Chicks set features some of Willie Nelson’s favorite bowling classic tunes – “Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be bowlers”, “My Heroes Have Always Been Bowlers”, “Whiskey River Lanes”, and “Help Me Make it Through the Night”.
The Super Kegle mercifully ends after an hour of bowling and four hours of commercials and halftime show, when Wes Malott fouls on his final shot and loses to Walter Ray Williams Jr. 257-248. My bracket was wiped out long ago so I rush to my tipboard number clipped to the refrigerator with a National Bowling Stadium refrigerator magnet. Sigh – I had 5-5. Why is it that none of these pro games ever end in five.